My first article for ‘Responsible Parenting’ magazine (October 2013 issue)
Reblogged from ‘Being a Parent’:
http://parentingsite.wordpress.com/2013/10/12/are-we-pressure-cooking-our-children/
As access to good educational institutes and good jobs gets tougher and tougher, depression, anxiety and even suicidal tendencies in adolescent and young adults are rising at a rapid rate. How far are performance pressures responsible? Why do some youngsters thrive while others wilt in these circumstances? And what can parents do to bring out the best in their children in this scenario? The eternal debate of ‘guidance versus pressure’ rages on …
Last week a twelve year-old student from my language workshops snapped at his mother: “Why don’t you just put me in a pressure cooker and put it on the fire? Much better than being on my case all the time!”
The poor mother was aghast! She and her husband have both been high achievers since childhood, and as high-flying professionals – a surgeon and a corporate executive – they want their two highly intelligent children, twelve year old Madhav and nine year old Tanisha, to be even more successful than they are, especially since they have the means to provide them with the best facilities and opportunities.
On the other hand eleven year old Manya Sharma has her sights set high. She wants to be a successful corporate executive, and no amount of studying is too much for her. “We have never had any trouble with her,” say her parents thankfully. “She cheerfully attends all the extra classes we send her to because she feels they will help her succeed”.
Yet another instance is that of ten year old Ashmit Pahwa who is consistently one of the class toppers in studies and excels at sports. However, at the merest hint of performance pressure, he simply walks off in the opposite direction. “When his tennis coach and swimming instructor started pushing his limits because he was performing really well, he simply refused to set foot inside a tennis court or a swimming pool again,” says his mother despairingly!
Still another is the case of Sanya Agarwal, 17, who is rapidly losing her health ever since she started ‘the Board Exam Year’. “She has always been a topper in school,” says her mother Bhawana. “This year the college cut-offs were so high that all the kids are feeling very pressured.” So, what are the parents doing to help them cope with the pressure?
“What can we do?” demands Keshav Batra, a chartered accountant and father of a class 12 student Rishi. “People who have family businesses to hand over to their kids might be cool about it, but our children have to make it in life on their own. It’s a tough, competitive world out there. They have to learn to cope with the rat race. We, as parents have to keep giving them more and more pressure to keep their motivation levels high.”
Does Performance Pressure Really Translate into Motivation?
Not necessarily, say experts. In fact, it is often seen to have the opposite effect – that of making the students depressed and nervous, often with disturbing results like worsening performance, nervous breakdowns, or in extreme cases, adolescent suicides!
According to a 2008 survey report by a leading national daily, 5,857 students committed suicide in 2006 because of examination pressure. And things have got worse over time.
As per a January 2013 report by CNN-IBN, India has the highest suicide rate in the world, along with China. About 95 to 100 people commit suicide everyday, of which about 40 per cent are students, and their motive is invariably academic pressure! Data collected from 1,205 adolescents in New Delhi schools revealed that one in seven adolescents had thought about ending their lives!
Is Performance Pressure Always Negative?
Again, the answer is NOT NECESSARILY.
It is true that in most situations, stress responses cause performance to suffer. According to renowned psychologist Dr. Jerry Lynch, “Performance pressure, anxiety and tension are caused by mind-set of inflated expectations, fear of failure and an unhealthy attitude towards your competition”. A calm, rational, controlled and sensitive approach is called for in dealing with the constantly increasing load of studies, performance pressures and expectations.
Sometimes, however, the pressures and demands that may cause stress can be positive in their effect. One example of this is where sportsmen and women flood their bodies with fight-or-flight adrenaline to power an explosive performance. Another example is where deadlines are used to motivate people who seem bored or unmotivated.
In fact, one of the key questions in a recent study on performance anxiety at the Johns Hopkins Center was: Are parents’ beliefs about achievement and success always translated into feelings of pressure for their children? The answer was ‘NO’ in a surprisingly large number of cases.
The Role of Parental Expectations: Guidance or Pressure?
A study recently undertaken by the Johns Hopkins Center, USA on the topic of ‘Parents’ Values and Children’s Perceived Pressures’ states that while most people would concede that parents play an important role in their children’s achievements, the growing instances of performance anxiety in adolescents and their terrible consequences have raised questions about whether parents of high-achieving students play a negative role by pressuring their children to achieve at unrealistically high levels or to satisfy the parents’ needs.
Parents of talented children have been accused of pushing their children to achieve at exceptional levels at younger and younger ages, thus depriving them of their right to a cherished childhood, free of cares and anxieties. And this is not happening solely in academics. With the spate of TV ‘reality shows’ featuring child prodigies for the entire world to gawk at, more and more competitive parents are seen to push their own children into the limelight to showcase any real or imagined talents so that they can live vicariously through their children, basking in their reflected glory.
To get at the core of what motivates parents to ‘guide versus pressure’ their children, parents’ values and beliefs about achievement were examined, to find out how important they think high achievement is, and how they visualize academic success and achievement goals for their children.
Parents’ Perceptions and Motivations: What is Success?
According to eminent psychologists and researchers, parents’ beliefs and conceptions of academic success colour their behavior and messages to their children about achievement, and have a critical impact on whether or not their children feel pressured.
For instance, in the Johns Hopkins study, parents were asked to define academic success, and 56 percent of all parents focused only on external standards like: performance beyond their peers, or achieving socially ‘prestigious’ goals such as college admission and employment in a high-status job.
In this regard, if a child is inherently competitive and ambitious, such emphasis on external standards may have its advantages, by encouraging these students towards high performance in school since it would result in good test scores, future college admission, and ultimately, employment in a prominent career. However, for children who are quieter, more laid back by nature, this kind of excessive or exclusive focus on external indicators often translates into pressure, sending the message that academic success is important, not for personal reasons, but to please others, thus making the child anxious and miserable.
However, the other side of the coin is that though many of the parents in this study evaluated academic success by external standards, almost one-half of this group also emphasized internal standards. In other words, they also defined academic success as relative to the individual: enjoyment, setting and attaining personal goals, motivation, working towards one’s potential, being curious and inquisitive, and trying one’s best.
By emphasizing both types of standards, such parents are able to convey to their children that outstanding performance is important to success, but personal satisfaction and trying one’s best are also equally, if not more important. Such a balanced approach on the part of such sensible parents helps to alleviate a child’s feelings of pressure whenever he or she is overwhelmed by expectations and fears about the future, and helps them to perform better and be happier.
What is More Important: Learning or Performance?
Another question that assumes great importance in this context, especially in today’s environment, is that of ‘learning versus performance’.
What exactly do parents expect of their children? By what yardstick do they measure their success – success in cracking the examination systems and getting top grades and scores, whether or not they have gained knowledge in the process; or success in gaining knowledge from what they have learnt?
Parents who focus on the ‘performance goal’, i.e., those who want their children to simply achieve prestigious degrees, grades and jobs, not caring whether there is any real skill and knowledge to hold them up, are building houses in the sand. Perhaps they do not realize that devoid of real skill and knowledge they can only hobble so far on the crutch of a degree, and will fall flat sooner or later.
On the other hand, parents who emphasize the ‘learning goal’, i.e., gaining of knowledge and acquiring of real skills, whether or not their children achieve top grades initially, are building a skyscraper upon a rock. Their children usually end up becoming able and skilled individuals who find success and work satisfaction throughout their lives, even if they don’t start with a bang.
Research shows that children for whom both parents have a performance goal are highly likely to have a combination of high concern about mistakes, doubts about their actions, parental expectations, and parental criticism. Because of high parental standards and criticism, these children are likely to experience feelings of pressure.
On the other hand, if even one of the parents also focuses on understanding of material and personal improvement, it can create a balance, especially when accompanied with support and guidance, and can go a long way in preventing feelings of pressure.
In the Indian context, however, the biggest problem that arises is that more and more parents are emphasizing the ‘performance criteria’, with no regard for the ‘learning criteria’ or the personality of their children, resulting in increasing pressure on our youngsters.
Creating a Positive Environment for Good Performance
Finally, one needs to remember that all parents want the best for their children. So, what they need to do is keep a few ground rules in mind while dealing with performance issues in their children.
Creating Realistic and Positive Expectations- Expectations with regard to outcomes and results translate into tightness, tentativeness and tension, because they cannot be controlled. Therefore, it is important to focus on how to create expectations about what can be controlled. This helps a child to gain confidence in his ability to perform and to relax and let his body and mind do what they have been trained to do.
Dealing with Fear of Failure: Children need to be taught from an early age to accept that failure is inevitable from time to time. The first step towards this would be not to overreact when a child fails or makes mistakes, because one of the essential qualities of a champion is the ability to tolerate failure. An old Zen saying teaches us “the arrow that hits the bull’s eye is the result of one hundred misses.”
Taking the Wide Angle Approach or Exploring Other Avenues: Let us not forget that we are fortunate to be raising our children in a world that offers scope for success in a wide multitude of areas. So what if a doctor’s child wants to be a musician or a professor’s child has a talent for photography? Let your child discover his true potential and encourage him to excel at whatever he does best.
Prioritizing Welfare and Happiness over Material Achievement: And let us not forget that as a parent, a child’s ultimate welfare and happiness is what is most important. Parents need to keep this ‘big picture’ in mind and guide their children to the best of their ability, while steering clear of the traps of negative performance pressures.
At Random 